Just. Two. More. Weeks.

Craving calm after the chaos.

We’re just days away from the official start of summer! My body is craving rest, but my soul is craving adventure. I know, though, that I need to listen to my aching bones and weary muscles and take it easy over these next couple weeks before I can really dive into summer fun.

Lately, life has been busy. Too busy. And I don’t like it. I find myself yearning for the slow days I used to enjoy, back when I was only working part-time at the art gallery, or during those rare windows of unemployment. Having money is nice (and necessary in this capitalistic, human life), and I’m deeply grateful for my job and the money it provides me. But I still miss those restful, playful, easy days. It always feels like it’s one or the other. How do I find balance, and more importantly, keep it?

My daughter’s schedule has me racing from one task to the next, one location to another. Her dance season is wrapping up alongside the school year, and with that is the year-end recital. I’m so proud of her! I’m so excited to see her perform onstage! I’m also completely wiped out from the rehearsal schedule.

But here’s what I keep reminding myself: you can be both excited and exhausted. One doesn’t take from the other. I hope all my complaining and moaning doesn’t make her think I don’t care or that it’s too much. I try to tell her, “I’m so proud of you! Yes, I’m exhausted and sometimes grumpy, but I’m so excited and happy for you!” I hope she hears all of that. I hope she knows that if I didn’t want to show up, I wouldn’t make the time. That I intentionally make the space for her. Even when I’m tired. Parenting is hard.

It's currently storming outside. We’re told to expect a very hot, humid, and stormy summer this year. I love a good rainstorm, but I also love camping and swimming. I guess we’ll have to see how it unfolds. Just like this chaotic moment in my life.

I’ve been so tired this week. I feel like the walking dead. I look like I’ve aged 10 years in the last two. I know something has to give because I can’t keep going like this.

The other day, I told my daughter that we both have to make some changes. Her schedule is too hectic on top of mine; it’s just too much. I’m a working single mom juggling a full-time job, four pets, a household, and all the invisible emotional labour of parenting. I want to provide her with everything she needs to make her dreams come true! But what about me? What about my dreams?

I’m trying to carve out the space for writing, drawing, creating. I need to make the time to clean more regularly, workout more consistently, and make wholesome meals at home.

I am not at my best right now. My body feels heavy, my eyes are tired, and my mind is foggy.

The only things keeping me from falling apart are the support of my loved ones, my team at work, and my Notion dashboard. Honestly, I need a reminder just to remember to buy cat food at the end of the day.

But it’s just two more weeks of this chaos. Then dance ends, school’s out, and I can breathe, for a moment. (Didn’t I just say this recently?)

But here’s the difference: this time, I’m not just waiting. I’m planning. I’m mapping out how I can protect my time going forward. I’m going to start saying no more often. I won’t let our schedules get this packed again. This isn’t how I want to live.

I’m craving slowness. Stillness. Calm.

And soon, I’ll be outside in the sunshine, floating on a lake, and sleeping beneath the stars.

Just two more weeks.

Love,
Cole